So yesterday, (7/19/2017) at about 4:15 PM, I pretty much totaled my damn vehicle. Le sigh!
I had this general idea of how low key I planed to live life for these next 6 months. I have every intention of separating with my husband when our lease is up next year. I have 8 months to go, and now this throws a complete wrench in my game. I do not have the money for another car nor could I afford to get into a payment at this moment.
The world keeps turning, we keep living, and we survive and we get through it. Some days, it’s hard to keep the positivity going when you feel like life keeps testing your faith and patience. About one centimeter close to losing my religion. As if I had any to begin with but you know what I’m saying.
So yesterday, after all the drama surrounding my MVA, I totally just wanted to go home and smoke a bowl or thirty, and just give it one good cry. I told J that I needed a moment. I took two Benadryl, cooked dinner for the husband and the stepson, and went to sleep. J texted a few times as I was asleep. Last text from her was ” I’m backing off, goodnight”. When I finally woke up, I promptly responded to her texts but got no response from her for about an hour. I took two more Benadryl, smoked another bowl and went back to sleep. I then woke at 1 am to my cell ringing and it was her. 19 texts, and a phone call. Miscommunication, texts that truly convey no emotion and a killer need to see each other prompted this 1 am phone call that woke me like the fucking cops were knocking on the door.
Upset at the fact that we gave each other no reassurance at the end of out texts.
I feed off of vibes, not only have I just totaled my car. my pride is fucking hurt. I am thankful to the powers that be that no one was hurt and that the receiving vehicle has minimal damage. I just needed a moment.
If you say to me “I’m backing off, Goodnight”, and a few hours passes by. I text you that I was sleeping. No answer. So I say “Goodnight”. I missed out on adding my usual, “Te Adoro”, but baby so did you. Does this mean that I no longer adore you? Does this mean that I no longer care? No, it most certainly does not.
I am not a fan of repeating myself or dealing with severe insecurities. I can only offer so much reassurance before I feel like I am starting to sound like a fucking broken record. If you are not willing to take this reassurance; at that point, it is no longer a problem of mine. The problem belongs to you and you need to reevaluate why you’re feeling so insecure. – I mean I get it, I truly believe in the existence of multiple truths. No two people experiencing the same thing will feel exactly the same way about it. Yet, both experiences are certainly true and valid. Also, multiple truths don’t have to cancel one another or compete. They can coexist. It’s another view point, another truth. Take it for what it is. Respect it. I respect it and something I try to always do.
After the 1 am phone call, I have text her 4 times, the last one being 2 hours ago and I have not received a response as of yet. Patience is a virtue and I have never had patience as one of my strong suites, yet for J, I happen to have all the patience in the world. –
Work next week is hella busy, I have an in office procedure on Tuesday and am working from the dermatologist office on Wednesday. I need to collect my thoughts. Prepare for the week.
XOXO – always offensively yours- D
written – 7/20/2017 – 7/21/2017
posted – 7/24/2017