WTF… 

07/24/2017 – 1:20pm –

I could start by taking a screen shot of the heated exchanges that took place between 7/20/2017 and 7/23/2017- but I won’t even go there. Honestly, created drama kills me. Drama is always there, it is a factor of life. I think sometimes drama is really a reaction.  Control how you react to things and it changes the game in its entirety.

Communication is key.  J and I communicate like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.  She allows me to be the person I want to be, the better version of me. I know that this person I am will also improve. I know how my mind works. I am truly at my best when I am inspired, when I have a muse. I mean, aren’t we all?

 

——- Welp! —– fast forward 8/4/2017 11:10am

 

This is not how I planned this blog to pan out but you know, shit happens.

People lie. Dan Savage always talks about the price of admission and how we present our ideal selves. While I do think people present their ideal selves, they do nothing to represent those best versions of themselves. I can look in the mirror and acknowledge that while I am sometimes quite difficult to deal with; I am in general, a very happy person that wants nothing more than to be surrounded by positive and happy people.  J lied to me. She was never stable, not in her personal life, family life, professional life nor mentally or physiologically stable. My last 11 days have been filled with complete emotional madness! In these 11 days I have totally felt every emotion known to the soul and surrounding yourself with clinically, majorly depressed people, even if it is just one person with these issues, can take a toll on your emotional health. This is no Bueno in my book.  I had to tell J that I am stepping away because this is not how I wanted to carry on a relationship.  The exchange got pretty heated and my final words were: “I am blocking you.” Thank fucking god for the iPhone and the ability to block numbers you no longer wish to receive call or texts from.

It has taken me a few days to center and realign myself after this bad romance.

Today after work, I go for an additional trim on my hair and taking a mini trip to CVS for a brow pencil that’s on sale and a 30% off on top. Mutually eating and buying my feelings today and I am okay with this. Tomorrow, I’ll get back on track, gym at 8am.

Now, off to finish my Friday..

Later Lovies…

XOXO – always offensively yours- D

**** started this on 7/24/2017 – thought that I finished it up and posted it on 8/4/2017 –  but that was not the case – I saved the draft and didn’t post it on accident.  So here I am posting this on  8/7/2017 –

 

 

And as the world turns, so do the days of our lives…

So yesterday, (7/19/2017) at about 4:15 PM, I pretty much totaled my damn vehicle.  Le sigh!

I had this general idea of how low key I planed to live life for these next 6 months.  I have every intention of separating with my husband when our lease is up next year. I have 8 months to go, and now this throws a complete wrench in my game.  I do not have the money for another car nor could I afford to get into a payment at this moment.

The world keeps turning, we keep living, and we survive and we get through it.  Some days, it’s hard to keep the positivity going when you feel like life keeps testing your faith and patience.  About one centimeter close to losing my religion. As if I had any to begin with but you know what I’m saying.

So yesterday, after all the drama surrounding my MVA, I totally just wanted to go home and smoke a bowl or thirty, and just give it one good cry. I told J that I needed a moment.  I took two Benadryl, cooked dinner for the husband and the stepson, and went to sleep. J  texted a few times as I was asleep. Last text from her was ” I’m backing off, goodnight”.  When I finally woke up, I promptly responded to her texts but got no response from her for about an hour. I took two more Benadryl, smoked another bowl and went back to sleep.  I then woke at 1 am to my cell ringing and it was her. 19 texts, and a phone call. Miscommunication, texts that truly convey no emotion and a killer need to see each other prompted this 1 am phone call that woke me like the fucking cops were knocking on the door.

Upset at the fact that we gave each other no reassurance at the end of out texts.

I feed off of vibes, not only have I just totaled my car. my pride is fucking hurt. I am thankful to the powers that be that no one was hurt and that the receiving vehicle has minimal damage. I just needed a moment.

If you say to me “I’m backing off, Goodnight”, and a few hours passes by. I text you that I was sleeping. No answer. So I say “Goodnight”. I missed out on adding my usual, “Te Adoro”, but baby so did you. Does this mean that I no longer adore you? Does this mean that I no longer care? No, it most certainly does not.

I am not a fan of repeating myself or dealing with severe insecurities.  I can only offer so much reassurance before I feel like I am starting to sound like a fucking broken record.  If you are not willing to take this reassurance; at that point, it is no longer a problem of mine. The problem belongs to you and you need to reevaluate why you’re feeling so insecure. – I mean I get it, I truly believe in the existence of multiple truths. No two people experiencing the same thing will feel exactly the same way about it. Yet, both experiences are certainly true and valid. Also, multiple truths don’t have to cancel one another or compete. They can coexist. It’s another view point, another truth. Take it for what it is. Respect it. I respect it and something I try to always do.

After the 1 am phone call, I have text her 4 times, the last one being 2 hours ago and I have not received a response as of yet.  Patience is a virtue and I have never had patience as one of my strong suites, yet for J, I happen to have all the patience in the world. –

Work next week is hella busy, I have an in office procedure on Tuesday and am working from the dermatologist office on Wednesday. I need to collect my thoughts. Prepare for the week.

Later Lovies-

XOXO –  always offensively yours- D

 

written – 7/20/2017 – 7/21/2017

posted – 7/24/2017